i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
