i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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