There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
