My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
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I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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