I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
