I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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