I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
