wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
