How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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