I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
