Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
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A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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