My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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