I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
