TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we're so committed to being not committed
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
