just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize