I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
