Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
