Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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