Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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