DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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