In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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