Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
