Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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