Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Randomize
