I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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