sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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