just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this just has baby written all over it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
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