Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
