in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There are leaves in my underwear?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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