hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
