Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
