just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
