I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
