Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
