Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm always down for nudity.
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