I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
