so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Randomize
