if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
