Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
