i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
