so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
