This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
