I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
