I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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