3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
