I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
