You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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