Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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