dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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