Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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