Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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