dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
