these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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