about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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