She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
